These 4 attitudes kill relationships
Building love requires incredible strength.Day after day, together, we lay one brick on top of the other and we hope that these are solid enough to survive earthquakes and natural disasters. Sometimes, unwittingly, it is ourselves who undermine the solidity of our relationship, the same as at first it just looked like roses and flowers, like this:
- · 1. The criticism
- · 2. Contempt
- · 3. The defense
- · 4. The stonewalling
Doctor Gottman, together with some researchers from the University of Washington, has identified 4 silent killers of the couple's life, he called them "Horsemen of the" Apocalypse. There are 4 types of couples in the world but none of them are strong enough when certain elements come into play which, once established, are difficult to defeat and almost certainly indicate the end of a story.
Dialogue is a fundamental component for love to work but, when mixed with the following ingredients, the consequence can be truly dramatic.
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1. The criticism
Let's not lie to each other, criticism serves to grow. If we are in relationship with a person we find ourselves sharing a lot of time together and we inevitably convert one into the mirror of the other. The real problem is whether the criticisms begin to demolish rather than fortify the relationship. The key is to say what you think but after thinking about it, words can be a "weapon and we must always use them sparingly, especially because when we are angry we risk saying things much bigger than us.
Defeating criticism is difficult but not impossible, before speaking, think a few seconds more: will it be good for us? Do I just do it to destroy it?
2. Contempt
We are beginning to talk about heavy artillery. Contempt comes with the lack of esteem in the person we have decided to walk next to. Everything he does seems useless, insipid, and we would like to tell him that we often think it is useless and also insipid. Nothing seems to us worthy of admiration, what attracted us was exhausted and left room for a dramatic emotional desert.
All you have to do is get to know him again. Probably what attracted you is still there, only you no longer have your eyes trained to realize it.
via GIPHY
3. The defense
We close in a hedgehog because it is obvious. We are right. We are right when we have to cook chicken, when we have to invite the in-laws to lunch and when we have to decide where to go on vacation. The lack of dialogue takes us away and we find ourselves miles away even if we are simply sitting two chairs away. Nobody listens and the discussions turn into a dangerous game for who gets hurt the most because we limit ourselves to half-perceiving, filling the gaps with our imagination which, at the moment, has no intention of playing in our favor.
4. The stonewalling
Here the imagination even refuses to come into play: it is the conflicts of non-responses. Arguments arrive in which one of the two gets angry with nothing because the other does not want to commit, does not even want to talk because he considers it superfluous. It is not easy to go back, it is not easy to leave a room where you you are walled up alive, however, when you both want it, it is easier to start over.
If you are convinced of yourself, start with the small things.
If you love him tell him. Tell him even when you don't feel like it and tell him in an original way so that, even in the darkest moments, you can both remember it.
