Knowing how to listen to others
Listening: the basis of communication
Whether in the family, among friends or at work, human relationships are based on the ability to listen to each other. Listening means being available, dedicating time to the other and, therefore, trying to understand what happens to him, what drives him to act. Listening also means knowing how to interpret communicative exchanges and silences, and accepting points of view that differ from one's own.
Listening is not a natural attitude of the individual, who rather tends to focus on himself or to interpret in his own way what little he feels. The true nature of man is above all to express what he feels, to judge and give advice. As Goethe said: "speaking is a necessity, listening is an" art ".
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What does listening consist of?
Listening requires you to make an effort of interest, concentration and attention, to show yourself really available to your interlocutor. This remains, above all, a proof of the esteem you feel for the other, of the desire to give him time and to help him ... Listening, therefore, means avoiding passive silence.
There are many levels of listening:
- Active listening does not only consist in hearing what the other person is saying, but also in truly listening to him and, therefore, in understanding him.
- Mirror listening allows those who suffer to empty themselves of their bitterness and regrets.
- Listening resonance consists in repeating the statements of the other, leading him to deepen his own thought, while remaining positive on all the topics discussed and on all possible solutions, without interpreting his opinions.
What is the psychological impact of listening?
Listening has a very strong psychological impact. In fact, it creates a real climate of respect, esteem and trust between two interlocutors. When a person confides in confidence, listening is not aimed at investigating him or making him become a source of information, asking her for clarification; listening simply means paying attention to her, so as to make her express what she feels and allow her, in the long term, to learn to listen to herself and find her way.
This type of approach, developed by psychologist Carl Rogers, focuses on the person and not their problem, and is used by many psychologists, psychoanalysts, and other humanities specialists.
Others, however, speak of empathy. This listening technique consists in putting yourself in the shoes of the other to better understand what he feels, avoiding, however, suffering with him. This serves to show the other that you understand what he is saying, and that he can give you his trust.
The secrets of good listening
It is rare that the ability to listen is innate. On the contrary, like language, listening is learned and perfected over time. Here are some strategies to adopt:
• Listening means, first of all, being silent:
How many times, when a loved one confides his suffering to you, are you tempted to answer him "I know how you feel, I lived it" last year "? Maybe these words are the result of a good intention on your part, aimed at creating a communicative exchange and to comfort the other, but unfortunately this attitude tends to make things worse. Because, by doing so, you speak instead of the other, you appropriate his opinions in order to speak better than you. As if the misfortune of your interlocutor allowed you to let off steam ...
• Listening means setting aside your personal worries:
It is not easy, but it is essential to listen effectively: you must learn to give time to the other, to accompany him on his internal path, following his rhythms and respecting his discretion. You must also learn to put aside what you think, what you try and your problems, at least when the other chooses to confide in you and needs your full attention.
• Listening does not mean thinking in the place of the other:
When a loved one confides their suffering to you, there is no point in taking the place of them and telling them what they should do. It is not even necessary to try to understand what is tormenting him and to give him advice such as: "if you are in this situation, it is because ...". He doesn't need to be told such things, because they won't help him make progress, only amplifying the "gravity" of his problem.
• Listening means avoiding judging:
"You shouldn't react like this", "you are wasting your life" ... these statements make your interlocutor think that you are only trying to change him, that you do not approve of what he does. Rather, try to be neutral in your positions (even if it is not easy). By speaking, the person who suffers learns to judge his own problems for himself, to bear them better, or to get rid of them.
