Step mother
How to mother your partner's children
How to find your place and be accepted
Choosing to live with a man who has children born from a previous marriage also means running the risk of being rejected by them. Of course, the bad Cinderella stepmother no longer has anything to do with modern stepmothers. But the stepmother still upsets the child's balance and, above all, breaks the secret dream of a possible reconciliation of his parents.
• Accepting children: you have neither wanted nor raised your partner's children. They represent the memory of the mother or the ex of your boyfriend. For you, things must be clear from the beginning: she is the past and you are the present. As for children, before real living together you have to get used to the idea of living with them.
• Do not try to replace her mother: the stepmother must never assume the role of mother. Remember that, in the eyes of children, you are the father's lover and you have "chased" the mother out of the marriage bed. So don't act like a second mother or confidant. If at first you might find it funny, it will be less and less as time goes by. Be content with your role as a companion who is at the same time understanding, tolerant and comfortable with.
• Be open and tolerant: it is possible that your boyfriend has described his children to you in an idealized way. Only after meeting them do you realize that you don't like them very much or you even find them unpleasant. However, make an effort to make friends! And if they are suspicious or aggressive, try to stay calm and relaxed, keeping in mind that the separation of their parents (even if it happened many years ago), has probably traumatized them and made them fragile.
• Be respected but gently: in addition to dedicating time and attention to the children, the stepmother must also make sure that she is respected. Sometimes the situation can be even more confrontational during adolescence. The solution is to try to be discreet and avoid criticism and sarcastic remarks. It is important, however, to be able to show determination if confronted in an aggressive tone or disrespect. In case of conflict , it is often a good idea to ask the father to intervene.
• Learn to manage your ex: the authority does not have to come from you, but from the two parents. Even if the mother is not physically present, she is present in the soul of the children and there will be occasions when she will unconsciously try to recover the affection of her children. The ideal would be that I show the children to respect their mother and that relations with the father were cordial. It is "in your interest to have good relations with her. The children will feel that there is a dialogue between adults and they will appreciate it.
• Make time for your children too: if you are a mother too, it is important that you have time to dedicate to your children as well. You must ensure that the latter do not feel left out and that they integrate as much as possible into the new family.
• Give time to time: even if relationships are not completely peaceful at first, there is no need to panic and not question your relationship with the father because of this. Sometimes children need time to accept a stepmother. Time, patience and understanding will work in your favor.
The 10 commandments to be a good stepmother
The father, a crucial role
see you, presenting you as the woman he loves and would like to live with and specifying that this will not change the love he feels for them in the slightest. It must, from the outset, show sweetness but also firmness. His role in everyday life knows
will act as moderator between you and the children, to resolve any conflicts and facilitate relationships. Under no circumstances should your partner step aside, with the excuse that conflicts are between you and the children and that it is better not to interfere. The secret to success is to integrate well from the start and continue to support you over time.
Finally, it is important to remember that being a stepmother does not mean thinking exclusively about the well-being of your partner's children. In order for your relationship to last over time, you need to know how to create moments just for you and the father, showing that there are strong bonds that unite you.
