"Tell Crinzi: I've been with my friend's ex for 5 months, but she doesn't know"
by Alessandra Crinzi
The "Dillo Alla Crinzi" column stems from the need to give a voice to all the girls who have been thinking of contacting me every day, since the beginning on social media, to ask for advice or help. Here I am to tell you the story of this column
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V. has a problem: she seems to have found the man of her dreams, who unfortunately is also the ex-boyfriend of one of her friends. He has not yet had the courage to tell her the truth because she is afraid of being misjudged. This vicious circle of lies and omissions, however, suffocates her, and today she writes to me to find the courage that will lead her - I hope - to come out.
The story of V., in love with her friend's ex
Hi Ale, I have been following you for a long time now and above all that I read your column which I love. This morning I took courage and decided to write to you too. I've been dating a guy for five months now: I am, as they say, with my head in the clouds because I am really happy with him: he takes me around every Sunday to a different place, we go to dine in amazing restaurants, he treats me like a real princess, she takes care of me like no one had ever done before.
And you will tell me, then what do you want from me?
There is a but, a huge and very big but. He is the ex-boyfriend of one of my friends. I have always bonded with her, she is not really my best friend, she is the classic girl who uses you when she does not have the boyfriend, otherwise, for her the friends do not even exist. Maybe it is also for this reason that I started going out with him, not caring about the consequences, because I have always been like that, first I act and then I think about what could happen next.
But now I'm up to my neck in poop: although he doesn't rush me because he understands the situation very well, I can't continue to have a secret relationship. On the other hand, if I tell my friends, I would turn out to be a cheater and none of them would like to talk to me or go out with me anymore. I have always been correct until now, although I was engaged I always found a way to have time for them too , but this most likely they would not forgive me. A small part of me then thinks that if everything didn't go well with him I could be completely alone ...
Please Ale, give me some help. A big kiss. V.
Tell Crinzi: Alessandra Crinzi answers
Dear V. sincerely,
in all this fuss, I think you made only one mistake: that of not telling the truth immediately.
The type of relationship you have with this girl is not very clear to me; if you are really friends, if you are more acquainted, if you see each other twice a year but you hear from the "Mean Girls" group on Whatsapp every day. Regardless, the opposite cannot be said: "the heart has its reasons that reason does not know", but to be fair, you should have told her your intentions right away. Also because, dear V., I do not know that there is a blood pact that prohibits friends from seeing each other's ex-friends - especially if: 1) the latter have been classified as such for a long time; 2) our friends give a damn about them like me from Temptation Island.
It happens! It can happen! We are human, love is blind, life is long, the important thing is to be clear from the start.
I do what is best for me; I throw myself in your shoes. So, let's see: one beautiful Friday morning I wake up, and I discover that you, piece of my heart, have been seeing you for a few months with an ex of mine, and you have not at all thought of making me participate in it. Ok. Assuming that my real one, as an ex, I would have given it to a charity auction already in the last months we were together (Hi Dà! Joke, you know I love you!) for your "more or less serious" omission. And I repeat the more or less serious, simply because there are too many aspects that are not clear to me, such as how much and if the bond that binds you two friends is really strong (from what you told me and how you talk about it I suppose not) nor how long and how your friend and your current boyfriend broke up. I don't know if your friend doesn't give a damn about this person anymore, or if she's still in love - and then in this case, your position would worsen, making you get to the top of the contest "unreliable and even a little bastard friends".
Assuming that she hasn't given a damn about him since 1967, the only thing left for you to do is talk to her, tell her the truth, explain to her heart in hand the reason for your omission, hoping she has the will and the willpower to understand and forgive yourself.
As for the rest of the group, well, don't worry be happy, because I don't see dead, not even injured, you haven't slept with any of their current boyfriends, and most of all because the only one who can have the the right to judge or get angry is only the person directly concerned. The others, at most, may have the task of giving you a head wash of those that remain etched for ever and ever, amen.
The friends, the real ones, do this: they are always next to us, in good times and bad times, when we make it right, and especially when we make it wrong. Don't be afraid to lose them, because if tomorrow they decide to move away and go away for such a thing, it would mean that until today you have been surrounded by people who have not really loved you.
Now strength and courage! Call your friend, tell her you need to talk to her, stop lying, apologize without looking down for a single moment, always looking into her eyes.
And if you're looking for a boyfriend and a peaceful relationship, find out who your ideal man would be!