Retroactive jealousy: what it is and how to recover from Rebecca Syndrome
Who has never experienced a, albeit slight, form of jealousy towards their partner's ex? Sometimes we are even ashamed of it, realizing the senselessness of this feeling. Yet, however irrational and unfounded it may be, to feel jealousy of the sexual and sentimental past of those around us is a rather widespread behavior, so much so that it has earned an ad hoc denomination. Today we speak, in fact, of retroactive jealousy, an expression with which we refer to that constant sense of anxiety and restlessness that torments the individual at the thought that, before his arrival, the partner has already had other love stories. However, when thoughts turn into real obsessions, this feeling can compromise the well-being of the couple and the lucidity of the subject who is affected by it. In cases like these, it is necessary to intervene as soon as possible and solve the problem at the origin. To find out more about this topic, read our article in which we will deepen the concept of retroactive jealousy, what are the symptoms and the main causes and how to be able to heal from what is considered to all intents and purposes a syndrome.
Before reading, watch this video and discover some exercises with which you can increase your self-esteem and be able to live your relationships better!
What is retroactive jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy differs from normal jealousy because, as the name suggests, it looks back and turns to the past of the current partner. Therefore, any person affected by retroactive jealousy tends to develop a fixation towards the relationships that the other has had before meeting him, feeling annoyed at the mere thought that he may have felt a feeling of love towards someone who it wasn't her, even after many years. Having had a sexual and / or sentimental experience prior to that current thus becomes a guilt for which it is possible to be constantly accused. These are, in most cases, unfounded accusations due to a jealousy that we could define as unbalanced and irrational and which, in many ways, could be associated with OCD.
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Why is it called Rebecca Syndrome?
Retroactive jealousy is also known in psychology as Rebecca Syndrome, named after the protagonist of Daphne du Maurier's novel "Rebecca the First Wife" from which, in 1940, Alfred Hitchcock's Oscar-winning film of the same name was made. In the story, Rebecca is precisely the first dead wife of a wealthy gentleman who has recently married a young lady-in-waiting. The latter, once she moved to the home of her new husband, is subject to constant comparisons with the figure of Rebecca, a woman who is highly esteemed, especially by the servants. Then, the protagonist, exacerbated by increasingly assiduous confrontations, lets herself be devoured by a sinister jealousy, compromising the couple's life and thus providing a rather clear representation of what we now call retroactive jealousy.
Retroactive jealousy in men and women
This feeling affects both men and women alike, but with some differences. The woman is more jealous than anything else of the current partner's sentimental past, and therefore suffers from not having been the first with whom he has shared certain romantic experiences. The man, however, who grew up in a social context based on the values of patriarchy, is more jealous of the sexual past and is wounded in pride for not having been the first to conquer the "possession" of that particular person.
What are the symptoms of retroactive jealousy?
Now that we have a clearer understanding of the concept of retroactive jealousy, let's see what are the main symptoms that distinguish this syndrome:
- A constant state of anxiety, often associated with resentment, anger and discomfort;
- Control mania
- An altered perception of one's partner's past: often, one gets the impression that the previous relationship was better than the current one.
- Tendency to constantly compare oneself with exes;
- To harbor a real obsession with the sentimental past of the person next to us, being haunted by images that capture the latter in intimate and romantic attitudes with previous partners;
- Developing a sometimes morbid curiosity, for which the jealous individual cannot help but ask constant questions about exes and go in search of more and more information on social media;
- Finding continuous excuses to discuss and test the feeling of love that the other says he has towards us;
- Living in constant fear of being left to get back together with the ex;
- Formulating paranoid thoughts and harboring persistent suspicions about partner's fidelity, even in the absence of evidence;
- Become particularly possessive
- Present masochistic traits: despite the suffering that any further information brings to the person suffering from jealousy, this one cannot help but ask and know, thus triggering a rather painful vicious circle;
The causes
There are several causes that can trigger a feeling of retroactive jealousy in the person, let's see them below:
- Low self-esteem: the lack of self-esteem can compromise the happiness of our relationships, never making us feel up to it and letting insecurities and jealousies take over the life of a couple. In the absence of self-love, we fail to understand how a person can fall in love with us and prefer us to the exes and this, in addition to insinuating senseless jealousies, generates anxiety and frustration in us.
- Trauma: having collected traumatic experiences, especially in the sentimental field, can mark a person for life and, when unresolved, generate pathological behaviors that are often uncontrollable.
- Fear of abandonment: at the basis of jealousy, there is the blind fear of losing a partner because of another person, in this specific case of the ex. Even the origin of the abandonment syndrome can be traced back to possible traumas experienced by the subject in the course of his life and never completely healed.
How to overcome the jealousy of the past?
Sometimes no matter how well the partner behaves, is affectionate and faithful, the retroactive jealous will never free himself from the idea that the ex poses a threat to the life of the couple. More generally, when it comes to retroactive jealousy, it must be specified that there are different stages in which this syndrome can occur: sometimes it is a rather mild and harmless form of jealousy, other times, however, it borders on the pathological. Depending on the severity of the cases, it is good to proceed by following different paths. Here, then, are some solutions with which you can cure and overcome the jealousy of the past and live your love story serenely:
- Self-control: Try as hard as you can to avoid self-harming behavior. So, don't investigate your boyfriend's or girlfriend's romantic past, don't pester your partner with questions, but most of all, don't compete with your ex. After all, if it's over with this person, there must be a reason, right?
- Ask for help: It is not always possible to turn off certain thoughts on your own. If you feel that you cannot control your jealousy and are concerned that it will suffocate your partner, to avoid an unpleasant ending, seriously consider consulting a psychology specialist. Thanks to a targeted therapy, the psychotherapist will be able to dig deep inside you, bringing out the possible causes behind this syndrome and helping you to solve the root problem.
