Stages of mourning: the individual process to go through towards acceptance
The elaboration of mourning is never easy: however, by knowing and recognizing its different phases, we can become aware of all the repercussions that the loss and lack of a loved one can create within us. Awareness is essential in order to better overcome one phase after another. We will inevitably go through various stages, one of them being that of depression. This phase can go on for a very long time if we don't try to get out of it with awareness and maturity.
What is meant by mourning
By mourning we mean an emotional state linked to our psyche and our conscience, resulting from an important loss. Bereavement is always something that concerns our exteriority, and is not always linked to the actual death of a person, sometimes we speak of bereavement also as a result of a separation or abandonment, if it is the end of a relationship that causes the loss of a loved one even if they are alive, however, it ends up shaking our life significantly, putting our private sphere in crisis, but also our professional one. Everything that happens inside of us trying to work through this loss is called mourning. It includes all the passage and metabolization of separation and the path to take to get out of the depressive state that comes from the loss. This is an aspect that has been extensively studied over the years by psychology, many psychologists including Lindermann have been actively interested in these issues.
See also
The 5 stages of mourning
The theory currently followed by psychology is the one that identifies 5 different stages of elaboration. This theory was extensively described by Kübler Ross in 1969 in the book Death and Dying. There is no shortage of variants of the most modern psychology that change the name of the different phases, but in essence, the 5 phases represent a very specific path that almost every human being has to face in the face of loss, obviously with methods and timing that may be different from case by case and with personal reactions. It is also impossible to say how long it lasts because each case is different and linked to the ability and willingness to react of each individual.
The moment of farewell
Mourning starts right from the moment you say goodbye. It can be a funeral, in the event that the loved one is deceased or a quarrel, a separation perhaps foretold, in the case instead of a break in the couple relationship. In the first case, the individual can count on the support of relatives or friends and even if in a very painful way, during the funeral, he consciously begins his pain. Sometimes, however, separations lack precisely this confrontation and the acknowledgment of having lost the one you love may certainly be less extreme but certainly much more difficult, long and lonely.
Phase 1, that of denial
When we face a loss that causes us a lot of pain, our body tries to defend us from such suffering, denying it. It is no wonder then after the first initial shock to feel disbelief and for a few days not really realizing what is happening to us. We continue to consider the person around us, we expect to see his image, we talk about him in the present as if he were still alive. Usually we are sharply reminded that reality is very different, but after a few hours we return to denying the loss and definitive disappearance of the one we love.
Phase 2, that of anger
After the moment of rejection of what happened and the consequent denial of the loss, it is normal to begin to realize what happened instead. It is usually at this point that we begin to feel anger, to ask ourselves what we have done to deserve such suffering, to feel angry at the very life that has disappointed and betrayed us. We feel responsible in some way, either because we basically failed to avoid the loss or because we didn't do enough good for the person in question.This is a normal reaction, one that needs to be addressed and understood. At this point some ask for help and closeness, others close in on themselves and refuse any opening with the outside world.
Phase 3, that of the plea bargain
Our mind always has new and fascinating solutions to survive again. In this moment of great pain, to help us get out of it, he begins to negotiate. This means that many individuals at this point in the mourning process, after anger, begin to harbor an illogical, baseless hope that everything can be resolved, that the loss is not definitive. You try to regain control of your life by throwing yourself on something else, on new projects and new friendships. But mourning at this stage has not yet been processed, and the pain that we still harbor inside is likely to overflow at any moment.
Phase 4, that of depression
The alternation of moments of pain and attempts to react leads us to fall into a continuous state of sadness. We want solitude and our mind surrenders to the evidence of loss. The pain still hurts a lot, it is alive, strong and present. This also causes damage on a physical level: this phase is characterized by headache, weight gain or loss, irritability, insomnia or continuous sleepiness, sadness and can be summarized with the word depression.
The only way out is to accept it, and then react. The only thing that is needed in most cases is time. Time must pass, the pain will not disappear but will soften and life in a way that seems impossible today will go on. Many people find it useful in this phase to contact a psychologist who can take them by the hand in the rationalization of their emotions and lead them as quickly as possible towards the fifth and last phase, that of acceptance.
Phase 5, that of acceptance
Time changes things and allows us to complete the elaboration process. And so we find ourselves feeling a muffled pain, still seeing life in an optimistic perspective, looking to the future. Interest in people and projects returns and we stop blaming ourselves: this is the elaboration of mourning, the last phase that will allow us to return to life. Finally we were able to understand the loss, to turn the page, which does not mean forgetting the loved one or not feeling pain, it means moving on despite the suffering of the loss, giving meaning to that loss of love, continuing to alternate moments of happiness or moments of depression, but to a lesser extent with each passing day.
