Tell Crinzi: "I don't want to be the second choice of the man I (maybe) love".
by Alessandra Crinzi
The "Dillo Alla Crinzi" column stems from the need to give a voice to all the girls who have been thinking of contacting me every day, since the beginning on social media, to ask for advice or help. Here I am to tell you the story of this column
. See also
I want to be happy: how to achieve true happiness
Phrases about fear: quotes about the "oldest emotion of man"
Happiness is a choice: and are you ready to choose to be happy?
The topics covered are varied - from problems of love, friendship, insecurities, work, family - and weekly I receive dozens of emails from all over Italy. Too much is the loneliness, there are many women who do not like to expose themselves but seek advice, simply a little comfort, and this is what "Tell Crinzi" is for. Today I will tell you the story of A. They have known each other for 6 years, only 2 and a half years ago the spark was triggered that led them to meet and get to know each other in greater depth.
After six months he gets engaged to another, but despite this, apart from a period of rest of a few months, the two decide to continue their relationship, thus becoming lovers. A. is confused: she no longer wants to be "the second choice", she wonders if she is really in love with him, she asks me for sincerity.
Obviously, I could only satisfy his request.
The story of "A.", tired of being the "second choice"
I have been following you for years and I admire you very much: you exude that purity and tranquility that many people no longer have.
I always read your answers and you put so much sincerity and love into it that after months I was convinced and I decided to write to you.
First of all, let me introduce myself: I am A., I am 21 years old and in this story I play the part of the lover.
I've known this guy I'll call A., for about 6 years, and we've always been good friends.
As soon as we met he felt something for me (something very strong, said by him and his friends), but I did not reciprocate these feelings.
However, we continued our friendship for years, until we reached a difficult and crucial moment: physical attraction.
Why Ale, I really have to tell you: he is a really nice guy, and if temperamentally he has never attracted me, physically he has always succeeded 200%.
One evening two and a half years ago, we decide to meet and what must happen happens. Thus begins the "relationship", which had nothing of a relationship except seeing each other 2/3 times a week, always with that one purpose and for some chat.
I get to the point: after 6 months he gets engaged to this girl I will call B, whom I don't know except by sight.
From rumors I learned that she was aware of my relationship with A, consequently cornered him and made him make a decision: either me or her.
For a few months we stopped dating, and then started again as if nothing had happened.
He calls me, we see each other, we talk a lot, he confides and I know perfectly well that I am a reason for relief and entertainment for him, I don't put stakes on him, I'm not "on him" like his girlfriend does - obviously behavior more than legitimate since she is his girlfriend.
When we are in the same place he doesn't take his eyes off me, he compliments me, even if he was my boyfriend.
He is always interested in my life, he listens to me when I speak and I do the same.
With me he opens up, I know him for what he is, and I'm not sure if that is the case for his girlfriend.
But today I'm here, after two and a half years of "relationship" with A, and after two years of relationship between A and B, because I realized I wanted something more from him.
I would like to be the one who takes out to dinner, the one who takes to the sea, the one she gives gifts to.
I'm still not sure I feel love for him, it's certainly something very strong and what's more I'm tired of staying in the shadows.
My question is only one: why does he still keep seeing me despite having her? Why is he jealous and possessive with me and always wants to know what I do and who I go with and where I go?
I know you can't have the answers to everything, but since I realized I feel more, I don't know what to think and do.
I don't want to be anyone's “hole stage”, even if by doing so I give this expression.
Be completely honest, and give me a shake if necessary: I have always been a strong girl and according to others also awake, but now I feel like sleeping beauty.
A big bear hug.
Tell Crinzi: Alessandra Crinzi answers
Dear beauty sleeping in the woods,
I hope the castle is equipped with a bathrobe and hairdryer, because the spell that hit you can only be dissolved with a twenty-liter bucket of water and ice.
Let's start from the basics and repeat all together - if it were the right time that we stick in our heads. Those who love us take us, those who leave us on the sidelines do not love us: either they use us, or they use us or more likely they use us. Point.
After the review we come to the 'preaching', which I hate, but what I have to do to you, because I have the terrible habit of putting myself in everyone's shoes, and in this case I did it by placing myself in yours, but also in those of the current girl of your lover.
Going to bed with a boyfriend is wrong: it can happen, never say never, red in the evening, hopefully, but it is still a mistake. And this regardless of whether or not you know the poor betrayed girlfriend, and also the right of way you think you have - as in your case - and only because the bed relationship started before he got engaged to a '. other.
It is wrong, especially when you continue to do it for days, then for weeks, months, years, until you become 'the one there', the one of the two, maybe three days a week, the one who never eats a pizza, not even a sushi. a died because the place is too busy. At Cinema? For charity! Utopia. You become the one who has to stay in the corner, contenting yourself with the looks while sharing the same place by pretending not to know each other. The one that remains in the dark, where no one sees it - not even Bernardo Provenzano in the golden age.
Whether it is done for pure and very pleasant sex or driven by deep feeling, it remains a choice that takes personal dignity and throws it in the first public toilet. An incredible sadness - and I think you can only agree with me.
That said: every relationship has different dynamics. Each person has different feelings and minds. I don't have a crystal ball and I can't say for sure that he doesn't feel anything for you. Maybe he doesn't know how to leave her, or maybe he simply doesn't want to: she is a safe haven unlike you who until now have exchanged her with her own currency, uncertainty. So, it's okay with me that you ask me for advice, but not that I say "I don't know if it is love what I feel", because, if it were only a sense of possession, you would not be better than the hypothetical him who keeps you both good for two years.
I get to the point quickly, also because I reread it and I had the impression of being possessed by my mother - which is disturbing to say the least.
I'm glad you don't want to be A's second choice anymore. I'm glad you want more and I also want to think you're really in love. If so, do you know what you have to do? You have to tell him! This will give you the opportunity to find out if his jealousy, his wanting to know where you are and what you do - which by the way, allow me: what anxiety! - is given exclusively by that carnal bond that was created in bed, or discovering that he chose to get engaged to another only because he was convinced that you could not give him what he wanted: love.
You wrote it yourself: you are an outlet, entertainment, you never put stakes on him, in the early days he felt something for you, you didn't.
Clarify, talk, explain.
Hoping for a happy ending, he may finally leave the unfortunate one to live your relationship in a healthy way. At worst, however, you could use those famous stakes to create a nice fence that keeps it away from you, like four thousand kilometers away.
The constant of any ending? Turn the page, for better or for worse.
Don't be frightened by the future, find out some clues about yours: