Tell Crinzi: I left my ex for him, now I miss him
by Alessandra Crinzi
The "Dillo Alla Crinzi" column stems from the need to give a voice to all the girls who have been thinking of contacting me every day, since the beginning on social media, to ask for advice or help. Here I am to tell you the story of this column
. See also
Handshake: the ancient form of greeting now (almost) banned
The story of K. and his unbridgeable emptiness inside
Hi Ale, I've been following you for a long time and now I've decided to write to you because I need you, who always know how to find the right words. Some time ago, looking at your stories on Instagram, I realized that you went through a period of life similar to the one I am going through and I really need a hand.
I was engaged for three and a half years to one of those guys who are rarely found in life; she always made me feel like a princess by giving me all the love in this world, but that wasn't enough for me. I needed a mental connection, to be stimulated and he has always sinned on this. About a year ago at work I come across a colleague, married, with whom the classic story of betrayal begins after several jokes. See you after work and in addition to feeling good in bed, I also liked my head. I carried it on in secret for almost 10 months while my boyfriend didn't notice almost anything.
My colleague leaves his wife and puts me in front of a choice: either I leave my boyfriend and stay with him or the story was closed. I ask him for the time, and after spending the holidays with my boyfriend, I leave him in the worst way back home. I sent him a message while I was 300 km away and I knew that I would not see him again for 3 weeks. I start the story with my colleague.
Two months after the breakup and from the beginning of the story with him, I find myself an unbridgeable void inside. I miss my ex terribly, I'm afraid I made the wrong choice in this world, but at the same time I realize that the things that divided us could hardly have changed. I am afraid of having made decisions too quickly, of not having fought hard enough for our history, of not being able to go back. When I'm with him I'm fine, but he doesn't give me the same emotions and I can't see a future together.
Ale, how do you know if you have made the right choice? How do you know if it's just fear of change or if it's love?
I hope that you will read my words and that you will have the time to answer me to open my eyes, because I need to move forward and I don't know which direction is best to take ...
I hug you. K.
Tell Crinzi: Alessandra Crinzi answers
I thought for a while before answering you; I didn't know if it was better to do it privately or publicly. Then, browsing through the inbox, I realized that in the long hiatus of this column, I received many emails with the same question as you. I therefore think it is right to talk about it openly, thus trying to answer all of them.
How do you know if it was the right choice? How can one understand if it is only fear of change or if it is love?
Sometimes I feel uncomfortable: you ask me questions to which not even I can give a real answer. In this case, however, I can base everything on my experience, a little different from yours, but still useful.
9 years ago I was engaged to a good guy; the classic piece of bread to which you can never say no. Long-distance relationship, quite difficult to manage, but both did not lack the enthusiasm to do it. We have been together for 3 years, a year and a half spent very well, the rest fraught with problems. They loved us very much, we were both aware of our ups and downs, but neither of us had the courage to admit it. I won't go into detail because I would bore you and above all out of respect for the person who was close to me in those years, so I try to get to the point, summarizing, as much as possible. One evening in a club I met Andrea; I didn't give him a way to break through, but slowly, I admit, he began to creep into my thoughts. We didn't see each other, we only spoke with text messages; in the morning a good morning and a song, in the evening a good night with butterflies in my stomach - mine - and the hope - hers - that I would leave my boyfriend. During those weeks I didn't physically cheat on my ex, but I can't say I did the same mentally speaking.
Andrea confirmed to me that the story I was living could no longer go on; the desire to live it was too much, that of being with my ex almost disappeared, but although it was all very clear, I could not make a final decision, because I was too afraid of making mistakes, of repenting, of losing who I thought knew me better than anyone else, the only one with whom I had shared all my fears, phobias, defects, the only one who - I thought - could accept me for who I was.
In the end I took action. After a month spent in the company of doubt, I realized that, regardless of that boy who was courting me, staying next to a person who no longer gave me anything, and only for fear of losing the "security" of a secure relationship, it would have been cruel not only to her, but to me as well.
I started dating Andrea with lead feet. After two weeks of dating and "chatting under starry skies" I was cooked like a sea bass in the oven. And do you know what the beauty is? I never stopped to think whether or not I was sure of the choice made, and this is because my heart never gave me a way to do it.
I'll get to the point: the answer to your question lies at the very end of my story. You miss your ex, that's a fact, but that doesn't mean you're still in love with him. However, it is likely that you are not fully convinced of the new relationship you are experiencing. It may seem trivial, indeed, in truth it is, but I think the most sensible way to clarify is to detach from both people: physically from your current partner, mentally from your ex.
I don't have a magic sphere, although looking you in the eye will probably be able to better understand what you feel. But I'm sure that if you can follow my advice, the answers will come.
Learn to understand and listen - really - to your heart.
A big hug.