Tell Crinzi: one step away from marriage, I no longer know if I want to marry him
by Alessandra Crinzi
The "Dillo Alla Crinzi" column stems from the need to give a voice to all the girls who have been thinking of contacting me every day, since the beginning on social media, to ask for advice or help. Here I am to tell you the story of this column
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They have been together for 8 years, but a few months after the wedding, she finds herself having strong doubts about everything. Opposite characters, frequent discussions, he does nothing to make things better. C. writes to me because he wants to understand if it is right to continue this relationship or if it is better to find the courage to end it before the big step.
The story of C., full of doubts before the wedding
Hi Ale, I always follow you and if I am here to write to you now, it is because I really need advice or maybe a good grooming from someone outside my life. I think you are the most suitable person.
I start by telling you that I am 25, my boyfriend is 32 and we have been together for 8 years. During the first years of the relationship there were many ups and downs, especially because we have two completely opposite characters and we have often clashed for this. I have always felt a very strong love for him, sometimes in the past I had the impression that he too loved me, but perhaps less or perhaps in a different way. usually I, after the initial anger for the situation passed, I felt terrible, I cried and despaired while he was quiet, he went out with friends to have fun.
Step to the point: 2 years ago he unexpectedly asked me to marry him, but we decided to wait for a more favorable economic situation: I was out of work and first we wanted to live together. Now we have been living under the same roof for a year and our best day is very close, but there are some problems that we have, indeed, I struggle to solve. He is the kind of person who, instead of clarifying matters, prefers to ignore them to watch TV or mobile, saying he wants to be quiet, ignoring me or even raising his voice, which bothers me incredibly. Let's say that lately all his selfishness has come out, a character detail that I had already noticed, but which is now becoming unacceptable. I don't expect who knows what, I would just like to have some more attention, to go out, even if only occasionally, also because the marriage has led to so many expenses (and for some months I have been unemployed again). I told her about it and she's trying, but then she comes back and throws it all back at me saying I want to be treated like a princess. The truth is that I just want to be considered more, I'm tired of him seeing me as a piece of furniture in the house that is there, it stays there and doesn't move, while he acts like he's alone in the house or me I was his roommate to whom he owes nothing. Plus, lately, during discussions he reacts with aggression, not violence of course, but tends to scream, bang things and start grumbling freewheeling by himself instead of having a confrontation with me . I tried to tell him to change, to reach a compromise together, to learn to apologize when he is wrong because it is not synonymous with weakness as he thinks, instead he continues to wash his hands of it saying that it is done like this and tries to reverse the situation by reproaching to me something.
A few weeks ago the last discussion: I at the limit, I could no longer think about the preparations for the wedding while everything was going wrong between us. On this occasion he told me that he will never change, because even if he works hard after a short time, he returns to being as before. So it put me in a position to decide whether to accept it or to walk away and let it all go. For the first time I talked about it with my parents who told me to think about it, that I still have time to cancel everything.
I also talked about it with him again, and thanks also to the "help of his mother who perhaps made him think a bit", I think he is working hard to be closer to me and finally we are enjoying life as a partner a little more. However, discussions never fail and the usual problems always come up that make me think that either I will have to accept everything as it is or decide to let it all go as soon as possible. It freaks me out because I couldn't imagine myself without of him, there is "love" and the years spent together are many.
What do you think about it ? Your advice would be really valuable, thanks.
Tell Crinzi: Alessandra Crinzi answers
my advice comes immediately: sincere and very impulsive, because perhaps rationally I should tell you to take things calmly, to try to carry on this relationship, because if there is love, everything is overcome - or almost - but since we are running out, one step away from eternal "until death do us part", what I feel like telling you, without too many words, is to immediately cancel the wedding: more than your most beautiful day, it seems like a walk in the park - and not even hand in hand - towards the gallows.
Let me be clear, I don't think making such a gesture is as easy as to say, and I'm not underestimating the situation in the least; I understand that the difficulties are many, and also that the pain goes beyond the bearable, but any wound caused by this will be nothing compared to a "yes I do" that will bind you for life to a person who considers you more or less as a (fake) Ikea plant.
I seem to have understood that you have problems from the beginning, you have always thought that he loves you less than you love him and you are so distant already now, in one of the most beautiful moments that the couple can live, in the first years of coexistence where we try to overcome everyday problems together, where in the evening we return home happy to be able to share dinner or watch television with the person we love. So I'm sorry, the question arises: are you also planning to have children? If the answer is yes, what will you do that day? Will you tie him to a chair and expect him to be a father? For God's sake! I imagine your daily life: you call his mother four times a week, hoping that this will help him think.
But what really? No, come on, we're serious. Let's not joke.
And then forgive me, how can you continue to love and esteem a person who daily shows you that you don't care both about you and your relationship? Do you know what the problem is? You are the first to make a mistake, because you cannot live in the hope that things will reverse overnight, especially if you are aware that your desire to improve your relationship is zero.
It is not fair to expect a person to change.It is not in friendship, much less it is in love. You don't have to change for him, he doesn't have to change for you, because the staging can last a few years but, believe me, the ending is always the same: the lies come to the surface and it comes out naturally in the worst way. We are what we are, including strengths and weaknesses, and at most, depending on the situation that arises, we can try to smooth out sides of our character. Trying to eliminate them is utopia, as well as useless and deleterious.
Those who are born round cannot die square - I guarantee you, it's really true - and those who expect this to happen are as wrong as those who pretend to succeed. With him things have not been going for a long time: it will not be a white dress that will make a nightmare relationship a fairy tale.
You still have time.