Assertiveness: what it is and how to be assertive effectively
For years now, a particular characteristic and type of behavior that fall under the name of has been studied a lot in psychology assertiveness. In fact, an assertive person turns out to be very sure of himself, he is not afraid to affirm all his rights and points of view or to express emotions and needs. Furthermore, all this is done with full respect for the other and without prevarication. For this reason it is not surprising how assertiveness is considered one of the most important personal skills.
Self-esteem is certainly one of the fundamental requirements for improving this ability. As we will see later, saying what you think without anxiety or pressure requires good self-confidence that can be strengthened through some daily exercises.
In this article we will explain to you what assertiveness actually is and what the differences are with respect to two other behaviors at the extremities with respect to it, namely the passive and aggressive attitude. In addition, we will suggest you some techniques that can be useful to develop this ability to the fullest, starting with verbal communication and not moving on to approaching others.
See also
What it means to be assertive
The term assertiveness comes from the Latin words to serere And assert, which as their first meaning have that of "assert". Furthermore, both can be translated as "affirm oneself" and it is precisely from this etymological nuance that the fundamental concept of the word comes. In fact, assertiveness essentially coincides with the ability to express one's point of view, opinions and feelings and needs. In this behavior we recognize certain characteristics such as asserting one's rights without being afraid of disagreeing with the other because the ideas of others are always respected.
Assertive personalities were first outlined in 1949 by Andrew Salter who defined them as those who have no difficulty defending their right and expressing their thoughts or emotions, even when these are not shared by most people. . This behavior would not only benefit the assertive but also everyone around them because they would feel freer to expose themselves.
In 1959, studies continued with Joseph Wolpe introducing the term assertiveness. To the qualities already identified by Salter, Wolpe added "another necessary condition to be able to speak of assertiveness. It would exist only when one knows how to recognize both one's own merits and skills and those of others, expressing and asking for legitimate appreciation.
Assertive behavior vs passive or aggressive behavior
We have defined "assertiveness as" an authentic ability because by developing it you are able to fully express yourself without, however, disrespecting others. It is useful in all the various aspects of life, from that strictly private to the workplace. However, assertive behavior should not be confused with those attitudes that are at its extremes, namely passive and aggressive behavior.
Most people can be identified as passive individuals. These are those who hardly take a position with respect to a certain situation or, when they take it, do not express it for fear of coming into conflict with their interlocutor. In general, those who present passive behavior are unable to enforce respect from others any of his rights and is easily manipulated.All this can only be reflected in all areas of life, from love to work.
At the opposite end of the "passive" attitude is the aggressive one. It consists in "easily expressing desires, opinions and needs without having, however, any respect for the ideas of others. What others think or feel is of no importance to aggressive individuals, who can easily become leaders when faced with those who cannot assert themselves with education and respect.
It is easy to understand how the "assertive self" fits somewhere between these two personalities and two behaviors. Those with assertiveness are self-confident, have very specific goals and work with dedication to achieve them. He never renounces his right and his values, on the contrary he is ready to defend them without ever lacking consideration towards those in front of him.
How to develop good assertiveness: 5 steps to succeed
There are people who are more inclined to be assertive by nature. However, it is possible for anyone to work on this aspect of their personality. In fact, since the second half of the last century the so-called assertiveness training has been devised, initially conceived for individuals who presented symptoms of "social anxiety" and who, therefore, never exposed themselves to others.
Without getting to talk about pathologies more closely linked to psychology research and psychiatry, it is good to say that a series of "exercises" or attitudes can be put in place to develop our assertiveness autonomously.
1. Learn to express your needs and opinions
Who has never experienced a profound disagreement with a comment or opinion expressed by others but does not have the courage to admit it out loud? It may seem absurd, but expressing your own idea is perhaps one of the most difficult things, especially in some situations. However, it is precisely on this aspect that you need to start working to increase and strengthen your assertiveness. There is nothing wrong with saying that you think differently from another person: the important thing is to do it in the right way and with full respect for the other.
If you truly believe in your opinions, needs or rights, expose them without remorse. To do this, work hard on your communication, both verbal and non-verbal. Use a confident tone of voice without being authoritarian, look your interlocutor in the eye, underline the concepts with the correct gestures and smile to convey positivity. Above all, the actions concerning non-verbal communication serve to show your firmness and to accompany those who are listening to you in your exposition, preventing possible distractions.
2. Have good self-esteem
Self-esteem is one of the essential requirements for being assertive and is useful in all aspects of life, from a love relationship to a friendship relationship to the self-confidence needed both at school and at work. it is precisely self-esteem that allows us a deep knowledge of ourselves and our abilities. It gives us security and does not make us feel inferior or fearful of others. Those who do not implement all this and think they are worthless will not be able to do anything but behave in a passive or aggressive way.
Furthermore, having good self-esteem means respecting your person first so that you can respect others. Trusting in others allows us to open up to the world, without any prejudice or preconception. All of this helps us to relate effectively and peacefully with anyone.
3. Take responsibility
An assertive person can easily lead others at work because they generally have good leadership skills. This leads her to have more responsibility, in the double sense of the term. In fact, usually an assertive person is given assignments of a certain prestige since he is very good at managing interpersonal relationships. On the other hand, however, he also knows how to assume his responsibilities in case of error and knows how to accept criticism. A good assertiveness means that you have full awareness of yourself and that you are endowed with an "excellent listening ability. Receiving criticism is seen as an" opportunity to improve oneself in view of the future, always keeping an objective look at one's own work .
On the contrary, in such a circumstance, passive subjects may lose even more what little self-esteem they have left, while an aggressive individual will blame others for his failures by not knowing how to take responsibility.
4. Set and pursue your goals
Being aware of your personal abilities helps us to identify the goals we want to achieve in order to focus on them. This is how an assertive person manages to achieve great results in life. To improve this aspect of your character, start outlining the goals and objectives you would like to achieve, without being distracted or changing your mind by someone else. In fact, it is part of one's rights to pursue what makes us feel good and remain faithful to one's point of view, otherwise one can have the perception of living the life of others.
5. Be understanding towards others and yourself
As we have already mentioned, assertive individuals are able to take responsibility for their actions and mistakes, without blaming others. This attitude is not only a sign of assertiveness, but also of maturity and humanity. This understanding, however, must "be developed not only towards ourselves, but also towards others. Not surprisingly, in order to fully respect those around him, an assertive person has no prejudices and preconceptions, constantly demonstrating understanding towards others. own interlocutors.
In fact, assertiveness leads to saying what one thinks in a polite way but never closed to any change of opinion. The understanding of an assertive person is also shown through non-verbal communication, made up of looks or gestures that are never accusing or dictated by a judgment.
We know that implementing this series of behaviors is not always easy, especially for people who are more shy or who tend to succumb to the pressure of emotions or anxiety and stress. This assertiveness "training" can gradually help you day by day, improving your self-esteem and the way you relate to others.
