Man-woman friendship: is it possible? And how to manage it?
Never friends, sang Antonello Venditti, speaking of an old love of the past that could never in any way turn into a feeling of friendship after the things lived together. And he was not the only one to spend romantic and poignant verses and words on one of the most complicated questions of the story, that is: can there be friendship between man and woman?
As anticipated, the topic is hot and often seasoned hastily with a categorical NO, but the reality is much more multifaceted and complex and deserves an in-depth analysis and a discourse that takes into consideration multiple aspects. Let's say right away that yes, men and women can to be friends, but for this to happen without tragic epilogues and without inevitably ending together, it is good that some conditions occur and others are avoided.
Below we will therefore try to understand if there can be friendship between two beings of the opposite sex without sexual interest or emotional involvement. (Prepare the popcorn ...)
Before proceeding further, we immediately warn you: to understand if you are in a "unsafe" relationship with your best friend, we would like to point out all the tips to learn to read body language and prevent possible upheavals in a reasonable time. happy ending with your favorite "buddy" ...
Friends without being lovers, can you? All cases
Let's face it right away: arguing that it is possible to have a true friend of the opposite sex is a very difficult undertaking, because for millennia now, excellent writers, thinkers and songwriters have repeated loudly, and not without a good dose of drama, that a sincere friendship between man and woman cannot exist - and in many cases it is facts and empirical life that prove this to us every day.
Oscar Wilde categorically said it in 1800 which is an incontrovertible fact (There can be no friendship between man and woman. There can be passion, hostility, adoration, love, but not friendship), repeated it a century after Jorge Luis Borges (The friendship between a man and a woman is always a little erotic, even if unconsciously), up to our Lucio Battisti, to quote one of the greats of our house, who "cursed himself" with his usual unmistakable class for having chosen "a woman as a friend".
Not only that, even the most recent filmography seems to support this thesis: let's take for example Harry, meet Sally - perhaps the ideological manifesto of the "impossibility of a" friendship between her and him, Damn the day I met you with the neurotic couple Verdone-Buy, Bed friends with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake or the stories of the main protagonists of the TV series Friends, Monica and Chandler on one side and Ross and Rachel on the other, the latter, in particular, passed through several phases and inevitably ended up in the love one. Isn't there in everyone (fortunately) a wonderful friendship that progressively turns into a splendid complicit and lasting relationship?
But, beware: romantic comedies, films, poems and songs can only tickle our most dreamy, romantic and vulnerable part in us, reminding ourselves that there are no normal stories, but only and only wonderful plots full of emotion, pathos, torment and with an inevitable happy ending or a yearning that deserves to make history.
The reality, however, is quite different and it often happens that we find ourselves facing a friend in love with us who do not correspond or, on the contrary, a "friendship that just does not want to know how to turn into love, with all that follows. These are the two extremes, in the middle there is "friendship between man and woman, a simple and sincere relationship that does not include epic scenes, poignant feelings or tragic endings. Of course, it is a very un-cinematic script but it resembles much more Indeed, someone has even dedicated a film to the much less romantic theme of friendship without love: ne My best friend's Wedding, for example, an adorable and "loser" Julia Roberts, amidst drama, jealousy and tears, understands that what she feels for her ex is nothing more than a sincere affection, so much so that she wishes him a married life full of happiness together with his beloved, once a feared rival and considered an enemy to be overcome.
And now let's start thinking.
More at risk if you are single
Let's say first of all that things get simpler and less intricate if one of the two friends or even both are engaged: it is quite clear how gestures, attitudes and phrases can hardly be misunderstood if you are already in a couple relationship.
The real "problem" arises especially if you are single and have a particularly intense bond with a friend of the opposite sex. Is it possible to maintain the friendship or will one of the two inevitably take an interest? And maybe the friendship will survive precisely by virtue of this special alchemy, continuing to feed itself?
In short, the issues are many and rather complex, and it must be said that each case is unique, but in general there are some standard situations that are easily repeatable and quite common.
But what does science say about this thorny fact?
Studies and research on the subject: does friendship between two friends of the opposite sex exist or does it not exist?
Again, at first glance, scientists, sociologists and researchers all seem to deny the possibility of a bond of friendship between two beings of the opposite sex without at least one party having sexual desire and interest or the hope that this transform into something different.
According to a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin Eau Claire in the United States, this impossibility arises precisely from a different perception between men and women of the "friendship with the" other sex "phenomenon.
From the sample of couples of opposite-sex friends examined, it emerged that it was mainly men who carried on the friendship relationship despite the presence of feelings that went beyond simple affection. This is because men are generally more inclined to overestimate their friend's "sexual interest" in them, while conversely, women tend to downplay the sweet and kind attitudes of their best friends, mistaking them for mere manifestations of brotherly affection. I mean, the same old story ...
The same conclusions also came from the study of the Norwegian University of Science and Technology, carried out by Mons Bendixen, that of Adrian F. Ward of the Department of Psychology at Harvard and that of Robin Dunbar of Oxford University.
Despite the scientific nature of the tests carried out, we are told that in all cases these considerations are a bit "too flat and Manichaean, while, especially nowadays, in a world that is undoubtedly more fluid and open, the question deserves one a deeper look and a "less rigid and" scientific analysis ".
We therefore feel closer to the considerations of the sociologist Michael Kimmel who believes how much easier it is for the new generations to see man-woman friendship as a normal thing.
Friendship is in its own way a form of love
To explain the complexity of this noble sentiment, often made up of fleeting and fluid boundaries, we prefer to rely on this phrase by Dacia Maraini, as beautiful as it is miraculously indefinite:
A relationship of friendship, whether between men or between women, is always a relationship of love. And in a caress, in an embrace, in a handshake there is sometimes more sensuality than in the real act of love.
After all, it is only in some languages, including Italian itself, that the two terms "amore" and "affetto" correspond to two different words; in English, for example, the word love includes in itself every type of love, even that friend or fraternal.
When loving turns into attraction: what to do
If you happen to perceive an interest from what you believed to be a simple friend of yours, the advice is to choose the path of frankness and sincerity: talking directly with him or her can only help you save the relationship. avoid creating free distances and various misunderstandings and give the other the possibility to decide how to move in full respect of both parties, maintaining mutual affection and esteem.
Try never to push away a friend who begins to show, even in an unconscious way, the first signs of falling in love or an unusual attraction that goes far beyond simple love: it could be a natural attitude precisely because it is not easy to manage a feeling that does not reciprocates, but by doing so, you can only ruin years and years of friendship.
Leave it to the other party to decide whether it is appropriate to get away for a while to give time and opportunity to his feelings to get used to and for himself to make contact with this new reality and get used to it. Very often, these stories fall short: it is not so absurd to feel an attraction for your best friend and to delude yourself that you have found the other half of the apple. As we said, however, if there was respect, clarity and sincerity, true friendship can only return when his or her turn is ready.
What if you were the one to feel the attraction ...
What if you were starting to feel that that friend you hang out with often, who you confide in and who always supports you when you need it, is becoming more than just a partner in crime?
First of all ask yourself if it is your desire for a relationship that makes you see the male figure closest to you with different eyes or if that bond is naturally turning into a more mature and deeper feeling precisely because it is about that specific person, who , with its strengths and weaknesses, it is becoming the center of your world and a constant point of reference. At this point, evaluate the situation, his attitude towards you, his sentimental situation and try to understand, especially with yourself, if it is appropriate to talk about it openly or wait a little longer to test your new feeling.
If it lasts over time and you think it's worth investing and trying, then go for it, and maybe, dear Sally, maybe you'll find your Harry ...
Remember, however, that in these cases the reaction is not always and only positive: after all, after years of friendship, it is not so easy to get used to seeing someone with whom you have always had great confidence, with different eyes. Most likely the answer may take some time: feelings, precisely because they are human, are not switches that are pressed on command, but need to mature and grow, and often these types of paths are not immediate but pass through various stages.
Each story is unique, only you can know whether or not it is appropriate to throw yourself into the hope of a life together or move with great prudence to ruin years of friendship. Let yourself be guided by your heart and listen to your feelings is always the best choice, whatever scientists, researchers or sociologists say about it.
